Must Brag

I was 10 minutes late to work this morning...which is not what I'm bragging about. That's actually really bad because my supervisor has recently warned me that I really need to work on being on time. But this morning Riley threw his breakfast on the floor. Then I dropped a plate, which spilled even more breakfast on the floor and broke the plate. Then I had to take a weird long route to my babysitter's house because of construction. Blah.

However, if I'd have gotten my butt in gear earlier and been organized, all of that might not have been a big deal.

So, here's the brag: tonight when I got home from work I cuddled with Riley, read him a story, and put him in bed. Then I did dishes, swept the floor, wiped down counter tops, gathered garbage and convinced my dad to take it out, started a load of laundry, made lunch and breakfast for me to grab on the way out the door tomorrow, picked up all of Riley's toys and other junk in the main room, and set aside clothes for both of us for tomorrow.

And now I'm going to go to bed because that was freaking exhausting.

Amanda, Idaho, 26

The Most Important Thing

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own life and drama that I forget to be a good mom. I forget to make my son the center of my life. Lately I've been so wrapped up in my own pain that I've been trying to shut out the whole world, including my sweet happy baby boy who just wants all of Mommy's attention. My mom sat down and had a talk with me yesterday, and since then I've felt better and tried to focus on Riley, but I know I haven't been the best mom lately.

About a week ago I Facebook friended a girl who I use to work with, and who is coming back to work next week. I knew she had taken some time off when she had her baby, and that she was going to be giving birth in Portland at a special hospital due to complications. What I didn't know (until today when I was looking at her page) was that her sweet little boy died a month ago today, at just 3 months old. It breaks my heart. Mostly for her and her loss, but also because I have a happy healthy baby boy, and I take that for granted. Riley is the most important, the most precious thing in my life. I need to be a so much better mom.

And I need to go pick him up and give him a kiss.

You Know You're a Single Mom When...

...you have to change right before a date because you just got puked on.
...you look at that last statement and wonder "Date? What the hell is a date?"
...you absolutely loathe getting stood up because it took forever to get yourself ready to go, baby fed and cleaned up and ready for bed, babysitter lined up, and house semi clean so as not to scare the babysitter, all just to be cancelled!
...after working 11 hours, you get to come home to a baby with a fever and poopy pants.
...you hear other moms talk about how hard it was when their husband went out of town for the weekend and you just kinda laugh silently to yourself.
...your kid has the worst haircut on the block because you tried to do it yourself to save money.
...you can't get your own hair cut because who will watch your child?
...the word vacation has no meaning to you whatsoever.
...in new situations, you tend to ask yourself "Well, what would Lorelai do?"
...your kid thinks everybody lives with their grandma and grandpa.
...you put off your own doctor appointments because your kid is always at the doctor.
...you don't eat dinner until 9pm when baby is put to bed and you've washed and prepared his bottles for the next day.
...or if you to eat dinner at all, half ends up in your child's belly... because even if you're both having the same thing it's better off of Mommy's plate.
...you haven't shaved your legs in a week, month, etc...because you either don't have time or you're too damn tired!
...but it's ok because no one's going to see/feel them anyway
...you notice your DVR is filled with your favorite shows because there is only time for what your kids watch...but you still never watch those shows.
your DVD player has one DVD in it at all times, and that DVD is Dora the Explorer.

...you don't care about any of this because your child is your world.

The Happy Dance

Last night I stayed up until midnight putting away laundry. I was so proud of myself for getting this done, and was looking forward to finally going to bed…when Riley woke up. Crying.

My dad happened to still be up and volunteered to take Riley for a minute so I could get ready for bed (cue Hallelujah chorus). By the time I was back, though, Riley still was not happy. I stayed up with him for an hour, rocking, singing lullabies, feeding, and soothing him. And Riley was still not happy. His big thing these days is shouting. Problem is, I have no way of knowing that MUUUUUUGHHHHH meant “Hi, mommy, would you mind changing my diaper? It’s wet and uncomfortable.” So it took me an hour to figure it out. (You’d think I would have figured out a basic like diaper changing a lot sooner than that, but he rarely needs a middle of the night change, so I didn’t think of it.)

So, instantly after I changed the diaper Riley became his normal happy and smiling self. And he started…dancing. Yes, dancing. And giggling. But by this time it was 1:30 in the morning so rather than join him, I put him in his crib (he didn’t even protest!) and we both went to sleep.

All of this points to a need to be able to communicate. I wish I knew what he was thinking or trying to do even just half the time. After a similar shouting incident in Costco last week (yes, I was that mom, the one with a screaming child in the grocery store) I decided to start teaching Riley sign language. Mealtime is when he is the most anxious, so I’m teaching him “more,” “drink,” and “all done.” So far it doesn’t seem like a lot of progress because he’s still shouting and the one or two times he did the signs I’m not sure if he knew what it meant or if he was just copying me. But here’s to hoping we’ll have a communication breakthrough sometime soon.

Of course, before I can teach it to Riley, I still have to learn sign language for “diaper change.”

Lean On Me

Pregnancy is often a happy and exciting time in a woman’s life, but like any life-changing event, it can also be scary and sometimes even overwhelming. It’s important to have a support system – someone (or someones) to talk to about fears and hopes, to help Mom cope with all the physical and emotional changes.

First of all, be sure to share your concerns with your doctor or midwife. He or she will want to be aware of your situation in order to be sensitive to your needs.

Then, find someone in your personal life that you can lean on – someone to share your excitement and your worries. Sometimes this mean being reaching outside your comfort zone. Sometimes it requires some creative thinking. But many single moms have made it through their pregnancies -- even enjoyed it! -- by reaching out to others for the emotional support they need:

My mom is the biggest support ever.
Marina

My mom has absolutely been my biggest supporter. She had a hard time when I first told her i was pregnant, but she loves me and loves my son and would do anything for us. She wants her grandson to be happy and healthy and definitely loves spending time with him. She's also there for me any time I need to talk.
Amanda

My Mom has been a huge support - she is so in love with her granddaughter already :) My best friend has also been there for me - went to birthing class with me, and is so excited to be an 'auntie' They both have sat with me as I cry uncontrollably, as well as when I am on cloud 9 shopping for cute little outfits. I feel so fortunate to have both of these women in our lives.
Melissa

My mom has been my biggest support, definitely! And my dad too, he loves my son so so so so much it is crazy!
Liz

My greatest help is from my older daughter! When I need help she is here. When I'm sad she cheers me up. I don't have family close to where I live so I take what I can get from my 10-year-old.
Lisa

I have to say my mother has been my biggest support but my friends and sister have been great as well. My mom is going to come live with me for a year to help me with the baby when she is born so I don't have to worry about putting my 8 week old in day care. I love her so much. She is shutting down her busy life to take care of her girls. My mom has been waiting for a grandchild for 40 years so she is over the moon. Moms are the greatest gift God ever gave anyone... I hope to be the same kind of gift to my daughter.
Carol

When I was pregnant it was my friends who supported me most. Now that he is here it would be my family & those same friends.
Corie

My parents have been my biggest support. They are both great.
Christina

It's Still New In The Year

I texted Baby Daddy to see why he hadn't been in contact. His attitude said "Give me a break." His words said "It's still new in the year."

It's March. What are you waiting for exactly?

I give up. Screw what other people think. Screw other people thinking that I need to make sure that he sees his son and that Micah knows who his Dad is. I know who fathered my child and Micah will know when he asks. I'm through making all the effort with someone who doesn't truly want to see his kid. If he wanted to see Micah he would have been here. If he wanted to really be involved he wouldn't have moved out of state.

Here is your son. You're the one missing out. Keep telling yourself its still early in the year. Next time you say that your son will be getting married or celebrating his 40th birthday. You still got time? Screw you.

Carrie, Alabama

How Did You Cope?

So how do you cope with being pregnant and having a broken heart at the same time? Single moms share their secrets:

Be strong! He ran off being scared? Forget him! You can do this!

Avoid worrying about your ex. It's not worth it when it comes to the health of your child and your pregnancy.

Talk to your friends

Get involved in some fun activities or hobbies

Online support groups

Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons

My mom (once we both decided to stop being stubborn)

Throwing my heart and soul into my job

Pickles

Focusing on the baby and how much I loved him

Increasing my spirituality

Relaxation tracks downloaded onto my iPod (This really helped me settle my brain at night so I could get some sleep.)

Ice cream. Lots of it.

Popcorn doesn't hurt either

Spending time with friends and loved ones

Surround yourself with people you love and who love you and do things that make you happy

I talked about what I felt as much as possible. When I wasn't comfortable talking, or no one would listen I blogged.

I kept myself as busy as possible.

Read everything pregnancy related under the sun!

Be patient with yourself; take the time to feel everything you need to.

Surviving (And Thriving) As A Single Mom

http://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/surviving-and-thriving-as-a-single-mom/

Surviving (and Thriving) as a Single Mom
Four common challenges and how you can overcome them.
By Rachel Sarah

When my daughter, Mae, was 7 months old, her father and I split up. He left the country -- without saying goodbye, I might add -- to start a new life. I was a hormonal, heartbroken 28-year-old, and in between work hours spent editing textbooks, I nursed Mae and mashed up baby food.

That first year was chaos. It didn't help that there were no single-mom role models in my life -- except, say, Madonna, who was also parenting solo at the time. If she can do it, I can, I used to think, but I hardly had a superstar's life. Fortunately, I had a fantastic group of friends who helped. Maybe none of them knew exactly what I was going through, but they babysat and showered Mae with love, which I appreciate to this day.

After a time, I got back on my feet and ventured out. And what did I see? A lot more single moms than I had ever noticed before. In fact, in 2005, nearly 4 in 10 babies in the U.S. were born outside of marriage, according to the Centers for Disease Control. It's an all-time high -- and it's not due to teen moms (teen motherhood is at its lowest rate in 65 years). Births to unmarried women ages 25 to 29 are up 30 percent since 1991; births to unmarried women ages 30 to 44 are up 17 percent. One caveat: Statistics don't tell how many single moms are with a partner (and choosing not to get married), how many live with family (so they have some help around), and how many are truly alone. But the point is, there are a lot of single moms out there.

Day-to-day duties for a solo parent are no different than they are for a married one: coping with sleeplessness, finding child care, paying bills. But... you're on your own. Even so, single mothers agree that even when overwhelmed, there's usually a way to work out problems. Here are some of the biggest worries of new single moms, and a few words of wisdom.

Am I Up to the Challenge?
The short answer is yes. The longer answer is that parenthood is the biggest undertaking you'll ever face. But that's true even if you're married! You will get past the fear.

"You can survive this, or you can lie down and die," is what Christina Ann Zola, of Washington, D.C., told herself when she and her husband split up. They'd moved out of the country and had a baby, and then their marriage fell apart. Zola returned to the U.S. with a toddler, four suitcases, and four hundred dollars. "My life has been this series of 'oh, that was hard' crises, but I just keep going," Zola says. "You can't let things stop you."

One way to calm yourself: take life one step at a time. Concentrate on giving birth, then caring for a newborn, then looking for work and daycare. "Forget long-term planning or strategy during those first sleep-deprived weeks," says Leah Klungness, a psychologist in New York City and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother (Adams). "You have the rest of your life to plot and plan."

You'll still have fears, of course, so confide in friends and family who give you sound advice and who don't panic. The fact that her mother was calm about her pregnancy lowered the stress for single mom Kali Kimberlin, of Pittsburgh. "When I started to get scared, she'd say to me, 'It will all work out,'" says Kimberlin, who gave birth to daughter McKenna Grace in April. "And she was right."

Can I Support Us?
There are single moms who get reliable, substantial child-support payments from the baby's father. But if reading that sentence makes you laugh ruefully, you're probably one of the majority of women who have become the breadwinner.

"My son counts on me and only me," Zola says. She was smart -- and fortunate: When she first moved to D.C., she explained her situation in a note that she posted on an Internet Listserv for city residents. "One single mom wrote to say that we could stay with her, and another offered clothes," Zola remembers. But the real boon was when a mom forwarded Zola's resume to an architectural firm, which hired her for her current job. "I'm the go-to girl for the CEO," she says.

Amy Anderson, of Seattle, says that when she split with the father of her daughter, Hailey, soon after Hailey's first birthday, she had to borrow money from her family to stay afloat. But she had taken a computer course when she was pregnant, and even though her preterm labor prevented her from finishing it, she parlayed her new skills into a contracting job with Intel. "Having Hailey was my motivation to make it happen," she says.

There will be days when working -- you have no choice! -- will fill you with resentment. Zola, who sometimes works 60-hour weeks, fights frustration by reminding herself what a good model she is for her son. Lesley Grider, of Milwaukee, agrees. She works full-time at a healthcare organization while her 2-year-old stays with Grandpa. "The best thing I can do for my daughter is show her how to be a strong, resourceful individual," Grider says. Her work ethic has paid off: She just bought her first home. "I've found an incredible source of independence and strength through this situation," she adds.

Will People Look Down on Me?
Divorce and birth out of wedlock don't have the stigma that they did in earlier eras. How could they, with half of all marriages ending in divorce and a third of all births happening outside of marriage? Statistics are not a cure-all, though. "I can't think of one single mom -- myself included -- who didn't worry a bit," says Darla Rainford, of Eagan, Minnesota.

Be prepared for any number of uncomfortable situations, from disapproving grandparents to gossiping coworkers. You may grow distant from some friends while drawing closer to others. "Surround yourself whenever possible with emotionally generous and secure people who boost your confidence," Klungness says.

How to keep your head high if people are judgmental? "Sitting at home with only your child for company isn't going to help," Klungness says. You may benefit from a new-moms group; search the Internet for ones in your neighborhood, or look for bulletins in local stores. Mingle at a library story hour or a Gymboree class. I never imagined I'd be checking out women's left hands for wedding rings, but I've done it! You can also meet single moms virtually through Web sites and blogs (some favorites: solomother.com, singlerose.com, and single2mother.org).

Will Baby Be Okay Without Dad?
There are as many variations on paternal involvement as there are fathers. Your child may see Dad all the time, or Dad may be out of the picture -- or anything in between. It's up to you, of course, to make your child feel loved no matter what.

"A well-balanced child tends to be raised by at least one attentive parent or guardian who can mediate stress and not play the role of victim," says Mikki Morrissette, a single mom of two in Minneapolis and author of Choosing Single Motherhood (choosingsinglemotherhood.com).

"My anger is my own," muses Anderson, whose daughter, Hailey, is now 7. "My daughter will have issues with each parent one day. I don't need to add fuel to that."

"If you're negative about men or your ex, your kid is going to figure that out," says Zola. "It will turn around and bite you later." Anderson agrees: "I let myself play out a gory fantasy in my head, have a good giggle over it, and then get on with doing what is truly best for my child."

And if your child's father is not in the picture, take heart. There are good male role models, if not in your own family, then among the coaches, teachers, and neighbors you know. Zola has befriended a single dad of two; she can depend on him to pick up her son from preschool when she needs to work late, and the two families often get together for playdates.

Having other people involved in your child's life also gives you a break. Since my ex is gone, I count on Grandpa to pick up my daughter from school every Monday and on Aunt Rebecca to host the occasional slumber party. I use the time to exercise and, yes, to date again.

"The essence of being a good parent is putting your own needs first," Klungness says. This does not mean compromising your parenting. It does mean keeping yourself as grounded and as stress free as possible so you can give your baby the wonderful childhood he or she deserves.

Originally published in the October 2007 issue of American Baby magazine.

A Realization

I had a realization today. I thought I'd share it here because a) you guys understand and b) maybe it will help somebody else who has been feeling the same way.

First, the background: my son's father left shortly after we found out i was pregnant and then quickly became engaged to his new girlfriend and moved in with her. I was beyond devastated. I cried myself to sleep for months. I would spend way too much time analyzing things from every angle wondering what I did wrong or what was so horrible about me that he would do such a thing.

And then today I realized that what happened was his choice, and is not a reflection of me at all. It doesn't reflect who I was then or who I am now, and should have no relevance to how I think of myself as a person.

And for what it's worth, it's not a reflection of who he is now, either. It is, however, a very clear reflection of who he was back then. We were talking recently, and he finally admitted that the reason he did that was because he was scared and overwhelmed and instead of manning up he took the easy way out. He hates himself for that. He has made a lot of changes recently, and I'm proud of him but he still has a long way to go before I can trust him again.

In conclusion, to those of us whose baby daddies are the very definition of deadbeat dad -- it is because they are cowards. It has nothing to do with you. We may not be perfect either, but we are trying our hardest and putting our life and souls into caring for our children.

Anonymous

Anomaly

I do not make sense. I feel like I am a million things at once, but not really any of them at all. I’m an adult but still my parents’ child; I’m a college graduate who works in a call center; I’m single but I’m a mom.

And that last one right there is the kicker. I am a single mom. Other single people are worrying about school or dates and I’m trying to figure out how to pay for diapers, and how to be around to be the one who changes them.

For the most part, I feel like I can relate to other moms…until they start talking about their husbands. And then I just feel like a lost little girl again. I always thought I’d get married when I grew up but here I am now all grown up and that marriage thing still hasn’t happened. It’s like a foreign concept to me. A foreign concept that always will be foreign because I’m almost four years older than the average age for a woman in Idaho to get married.

I know I sound kinda whiny, and I’d like to say that’s not intentional, but this is a vent, after all. I know I made decisions that led to this point in my life. But knowing that doesn’t make things any easier. If anything it just makes it harder to know that I brought this on myself. I feel guilty no matter what I do. When I wasn’t working full time I felt guilty because my parents were so willing to help me and Riley. And now that I have found a job I feel so awful leaving my baby boy every day. I miss him insanely and I wish things were different. But they aren’t different. This is my life.

Maybe when work slows down I’ll stop feeling like there is a dark cloud of insanity hanging over my head. I’m required to work overtime, which as one of my coworkers said, is good for the pocketbook but not for the soul.

So back to me not making sense. I know I’m not alone and that there are other single moms on the planet. Lots and lots of us. But when Riley wakes up at 4am and it’s just he and I walking the bedroom floor for an hour, I feel all alone. That’s when I wonder what in the world I have gotten myself into, and if things will ever get better.

Amanda, 25, Idaho